Smart people wear thick glasses, button-down shirts, and slacks.
Dumb people wear football uniforms.
Everyone in high school was having sex except you and the class valedictorian.
Your dog is way smarter than you.
France is populated entirely by attractive young women and Gerard Depardieu.
Every Southern town has a fat redneck sheriff named "Smokey."
Mexico is populated entirely by vacationing frat boys.
Parents always come back from vacation a day early.
There are no ugly prostitutes.
It's only possible to win any sporting event in the last three seconds of the game.
Cheerleaders hate having their shirts on.
The best way to escape your enemies is to drive on the wrong side of the road.
A student who's failing every class can still rig up an elaborate device to
answer his phone when he calls in sick.
THE ACTOR'S LESSONS of DESTRUCTION
submitted by Amy Beth Goldman
1. Compromise your principles early and get it over with.
2. Memorize all of the songs from "Cats."
3. Wear as much spandex as possible to auditions.
4. Wear lots of "comedy and tragedy" accessories.
5. Take your art WAY too seriously.
6. Misquote Shakespeare.
7. If a director doesn't invite you to callbacks, assume it's a mistake and go anyway.
8. When you get to callbacks, ask the director "Will this take long?"
9. No matter how many conflicts you have, reply "none." Hey, it can all be worked out in the end.
10. Overemphasize the lines they laugh at.
11. Mistreat props. Lose them. Take them home with you.
12. Tip the director.
13. Repeatedly ask techies, "Will this be ready by the opening?"
14. Assume the stage manager is there to clean up after you..
15. Stay up late power drinking before early morning calls.
16. Pause for so long after your monologue that they can't tell if you are done or not.
17. Remember, although you can always be replaced, they can't replace you until you've done a LOT of damage.
18. When your character isn't talking, mug.
19. Why be onstage when you can upstage?
20. For a touch of realism, upstage yourself.
21. Give fellow actors advice on how to do their characters.
22. If you can't get a grasp of your character, just do Jack Nicholson.
23. Blocking is for amateurs.
24. Eye contact is for actors afraid to stand on their own.
25. It's not the quality of the role, it's what you get to wear.
26. Wear all black and hang out in coffee houses.
27. Change your blocking on opening night.
28. Remember: frontal nudity gets you noticed faster.
29. Use your tongue to make stage kisses look "real."
30. Break a leg. Literally.
THE MODERN MUSICOLOGIST
submitted by Jeanette Cooper
I am the very model of a modern musicologist
When organizing papers I'm a very fine chronologist
I choose my words quite carefully, just like a lexicologist
I wrack my brain as thoroughly as any craneologist.
I must admit that I'm a man of manifold ability
A person of importance should not rest upon humility
But learn to blow his horn at each and ev'ry possibility
I hope that this assertion won't encounter much hostility.
He's learned to blow his horn at each and ev'ry possibility
He hopes that this assertion won't encounter much hostility.
I cannot comprehend the least in matters mathematical
I find the facts of chemistry completely enigmatical
Oh, you can keep astrology, biology, technology
My loyalty rests solely in the art of musicology.
Yes, you can keep astrology, biology, technology
His loyalty rests solely in the art of musicology.
I love to turn up masterpieces written by nonentities
It doesn't make a hoot of difference if they've no identities
Some folks in other disciplines find this to be deplorable
If only they would sing the tunes they'd find them most adorable.
They only love to listen to the tunes they know by Smetana
They think that music's only for the ears and not the retina
They think it's just a waste of time examining old codices
And then proceed to strain their eyes on Iliads and Odysseys.
He thinks it's not a waste of time examining old codices,
And doesn't strain at all his eyes on Iliads and Odysseys.
I'm very proud to specialize in things musicological
I much prefer rock music to the stuff that's geological
The greatest pleasures I receive are perfectly synonymous
With analyzing pieces that are written by Anonymous.
I know that there are people who consider it iniquity
For me to be so occupied with music from antiquity
But when I come across some old forgotten piece by Berlioz
I get a shiver from my eyebrows right down to my very toes.
But when he comes across some old forgotten piece by Berlioz
He gets a shiver from his eyebrows right down to his very toes.
I've never had an interest in going on the stage, you see
I break out in a sweat just practicing Mozart or Debussy
I dread the thought of playing live, whether Rameau or Tchaikovsky I am devoted solely to the art of musicology.
He dreads the thought of playing live, whether Rameau or Tchaikovsky He is devoted solely to the art of musicology.
You know you work in community theater when...
submitted by David Houston
...your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
...you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
...you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
...you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of
day in ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is.
...you've ever appeared in or worked on any show written by Van Zandt and Milmore.
...you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army.
...you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall.
...you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
...you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.
...you name your son Samuel and tell him that his middle name is in honor of the French side of the family.
...you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the running time under 4 1/2 hours.
...you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder mystery where half the cast spoke with
...your children have ever begged you not to buy them any more Happy Meals.
...you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius.
...you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience.
...you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up for auditions.
...the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw you taking out the trash
before the show.
...you've ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape.
...you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels.
...you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels -- and
you're a guy.
...you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.
...your kids know your lines better than you do.
...your kids DELIVER your lines better than you do.
...you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theater because you forgot your kids.
...you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first.
...you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was REALLY drunk.
...you've ever heard a director say, "Try not to bump into the furniture," and mean it.
...you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to.
...you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say, "Just paint it black -- no one will ever see it."
...you've ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
...the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the stage because the floor's still wet --
five minutes before curtain.
...you've ever been told that the reason your director has no eyebrows is because he handled special effects
for the last show.
...you've ever said, "Don't worry -- we'll just hot glue it."
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians, With
Their Translated "Country" Definitions
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time -- Parole
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
From NetGrab Fun Sites:
Things You Wouldn't Know Without the Movies
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
From Roe Kurtz:
Never look at the trombones - it only encourages them.
- Richard Strauss
You know you've gone over the top as an actor/actress when:
You find yourself actually using the phrase "Do you know who I AM????"
When you relax into a neutral expression, you can feel every facial muscle sag.
After the show, a member of the audience says, "You were wonderful. You reminded me of Jim Carrey."
The only person in the theatre laughing or crying is you.
How many theater people does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to do it, and the rest to talk about how much better they could have done it.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Doesn't the stage manager do that?
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. They can never find their light anyway.
How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!
How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
It's on my list...IT'S ON MY LIST...
How many lighting techs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hey, nothing happens on that side of the stage anyway!
How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it, one child to cry, and one to say loudly, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Why do we need another light bulb?
Submitted by Jeffrey Sanzel
Last year I upgraded from Community Theatre 5.0 to Small Professional Theatre 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes. It installed something called Microsoft Stagemanager (TM) which it launches whenever rehearsal software is powered up, severely limiting access to munchies, praise, and practical joke applications that operated flawlessly under Community Theatre 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Stage Manager 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Hamming 2.0, Smoking in costume 7.5, Coming and Going at will 5.6, Unlimited Comps 8.3 and Borrowing Theatre's Equipment 2.3 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Schedule 3.1, Discipline 1.3, Expectations 5.0, and Accountability 2.4.
Divafit 4.1 no longer runs at all, and invariably crashes the System. Under no circumstances will it run Whining 14.1.
I've tried running Attitude 5.3 to fix Stage Manager 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please ?!!!!
This is a very common problem many actors complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Community Theatre 5.0 to Small Professional Theatre 1.0 with no idea that Community Theatre 5.0 is formerly an ENTERTAINMENT package for actors.
However, Small Professional Theatre 1.0 is a performance OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible, eliminating unnecessary routines and delegating as many tasks as it can to the end-user in order to conserve all system resources for its own use. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the Stage Manager files from the system, once installed, as Stage Manager 1.0 rewrites your other software so that it rejects Community Theatre 5.0 routines once exposed to SM's superior methods.
Having Stage Manager 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section of the owners manual regarding General Director Faults (GDFs). This is a wonderful feature of Stage Manager 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Stage Manager 1.0 will take on ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause, and will somehow solve EVERYTHING.
To activate this great feature enter the command
C:\ DIRECTOR\SCATTERED DREAMER-SENSITIVE ARTIST\CAN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT YOU.
Sometimes ActorsRIdiots 6.0 or higher must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Stage Manager 1.0 should then run the applications Organize 12.3 and Miracles 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GDFs, and ultimately you may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE\RAISE\PERSONAL DAY command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Stage Manager 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, ArtSearch 6.0 . GrumpySilence 2.5 is a very bad program that can create Dysfunctional.acting files that clog all rehearsal and performance programs and are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GDFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the entertainment applications Community Theatre 5.0 ran.
After several years of use, Stage Manager 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1 and EnsembleLoyalty 4.2.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install any version of MeddlesomAdministrator. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. StageManager 1.0 will run only CurtGoingThrutheMotions and CovertArtSearchuntilMeddlesomeAdministrator is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Small Professional Theatre 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
From InfoBeat: How to Survive to the End of a Horror Movie
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
* Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
* If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know that you're doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:
* When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs.
How many lead-singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - he/she just holds the bulb over his/her head, and the universe revolves around him/her!
Submitted by Sandra Vigliotti
1. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the
sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
2. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things
in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
3. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
4. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are
uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
5. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
6. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
7. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.
8. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then
you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
9. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do,
you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
10.Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
11.Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
12.Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
13.Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and
must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
14.Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the
right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
15.And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR AT THE THEATRE:
submitted by Kim Volpe
AT THE TECHNICAL REHEARSAL:
Take your time getting back.
We've been ready for hours.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn't last long.
I think there will be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Let's not talk about me.
I think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable.
I love my shoes.
No problem, I can do that for myself.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
BY THE CARPENTERS:
That instrument is not in the way.
We'll come in early tomorrow and do it.
No, no. I'm sure that's our job.
Anything I can do to help?
This is a marvelous show.
We don't need this many people on the crew.
Thanks, but I don't drink.
BY THE ELECTRICIANS:
I want to fix that light in the publicity office.
This equipment is more complicated than we need.
Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
No problem, I'll do that right away.
That had nothing to do with the computer. It was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need.
Thanks, but I don't drink.
BY THE COSTUMER:
I think an amber wash would look lovely.
Your character's opinion is so important to us.
You're right, that color IS wrong for your skin.
Of course I got that note. I just forgot.
Go ahead and eat in costume.
I'm really glad you shaved your head.
If it's a problem, we'll just chop that train right off.
Thanks, but I don't smoke.
BY THE MUSICIANS:
Couldn't we rehearse that number a few more times?
What I like about this job is the opportunity to work with the actors.
Playing shows is what I wanted to do all my life.
We really have a great cast.
We really have a great conductor.
I really respect those chorus girls.
I'd love to, but it's past my bedtime.
Gee, I must have been unclear in my direction.
Let's do it your way.
No, I'm happy to wait until the actors are ready.
These lighting cues are exactly what I wanted.
No problem, I'll just change the blocking.
I can easily restage the number to accommodate the costume changes.